Did You Hear the One About. . . ?

Sometimes, life and blogs get too heavy. It's time to laugh a little.
Here's some funny stuff friends and family have sent me in recent years. I hope some of these bring a smile to you, as well.


* Several blogs ago I made reference to Jesus turning the water into wine. Some conservative Christians have a problem with anything but total abstinence from alcohol or anything sounding like endorsement of having a good time. Morris Dees, founder of The Southern Poverty Law Center, grew up in a small town in the South and tells a story about his Sunday school teacher who was a committed teetotaler. She even wore a button announcing "Lips that have touched wine will never touch mine". At some point he got up his courage and reminded her that Jesus had turned water into wine. "That's true, Morrie, but we would've thought a whole lot more of Him if he hadn'ta done that".

*Some Bob Hope quips:
on giving up his early career in boxing, "I ruined my hands in the ring. . . the referee kept stepping on them."
on never winning an Oscar, "Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's called at my house--Passover."
on his family's early poverty, "Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold, Mother threw on another brother."
on his six brothers, "That's how I learned to dance--waiting for the bathroom."
on his early failures, "I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
on going to heaven, "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

*Several simple tests to determine your preparedness for having children:

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.


*A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caverns underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody has seen the abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he's crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice the old abbot replies, "The word was C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!!"

* The guy "in the doghouse." Go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wTg6YB2PRA

*Just about anything Brian Regan says. e.g. "You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over here, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble."

"I was driving and saw this sign that said, 'Blasting Zone Ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone; what am I supposed to do? 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?" * And last. ( Why does this joke make me laugh REALLY HARD, and my wife just rolls her eyes?) A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment." Do you have a favorite you wanna share?