A Song for Every Occasion

Regardless of your plight, your mood, the season of your life, there is a country western song for YOU. Relax and enjoy.

For the impulsive adolescent who's breaking up with his third girlfriend in three weeks, GET YOUR TONGUE OUTTA MY MOUTH 'CAUSE I'M KISSIN' YOU GOODBYE

For the lover who should have been much more selective and is now rationalizing, HER TEETH WERE STAINED BUT HER HEART WAS PURE

For the codependent, IF YOU LEAVE ME CAN I COME, TOO?

For the bitter born-again, THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE

For the boozer whose lover is the booze, I'D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY

For that lovesick individual who is desperate for some space, IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE, I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL

For the one who can't contemplate the breakup, WHEN YOU LEAVE, WALK OUT BACKWARDS SO I'LL THINK YOU'RE WALKING IN

For the less-than-monogamous, YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR KATE AND EDITH, TOO

For the image-conscious, DON'T CRY ON MY SHOULDERS 'CAUSE YOU'RE RUSTIN' MY SPURS

For the codependent and confused, I'M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU IT'S LIKE HAVING YOU HERE

For the oppositional deviant teenager, THEY MAY PUT ME IN PRISON, BUT THEY CAN'T STOP MY FACE FROM BREAKIN' OUT

For the wannabe romantic who means well, IF MY NOSE WAS FULL OF QUARTERS I'D BLOW IT ALL ON YOU

For the one who can't decide whether the relationship is growing or ending, WE USED TO JUST KISS ON THE LIPS BUT NOW IT'S ALL OVER

For the one tired of the control issues, IF YOU KEEP CHECKING UP ON ME I'M CHECKING OUT ON YOU

For the couple whose honeymoon is over, EVER SINCE I SAID "I DO," THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS YOU DON'T

For the person who needs one more reason to stay away from the alcohol, I KNEW I'D HIT ROCK BOTTOM WHEN I WOKE UP ON TOP OF YOU

For the bar brawler, HAND ME THE POOL CUE AND CALL YOURSELF AN AMBULANCE

For the henpecked, IT'S HARD TO KISS THE LIPS AT NIGHT THAT CHEW YOUR ASS OUT ALL DAY LONG

For the one whose lover won't let them break up, HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

And, finally, for those who are aging but still have it in them, GIT OFF THE STOVE, GRANDMA, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO RIDE THE RANGE.