Sometimes life is too serious. On the lighter side here is some stuff from Demetri
Martin. I hope you enjoy.
"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. "Sort of" - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, "sort" of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You’re going to live" or "‘It’s a boy."
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like "Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert."
I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called "Really Busy Hospital."
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were, you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ And D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. "Dude, make a left. Those are trees…trust me."
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday’" on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”
I wonder what the word for "dots" looks like in braille.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go, “I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.”
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear." I just thought, man, I hope so because she was pretty mad.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto "If at first you don't succeed. . . "
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an *#!!??!!".
When someone asks you the question "Are you ticklish" it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like"'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish".
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. "OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B...ok, man, slow down; we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12." Then they got to E and they were like "We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here."
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the "about the author" section. I'm like, "Done; next!"
I saw a door that said Exit Only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
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