Thursday, January 21, 2010

Scientific Treatise Evaluating Veritably Every Situation (S.T.E.V.E.S)

Hopefully the following will provide you some screening guidelines to evaluate your relationship with your spouse or significant other. Many are serious in nature; many will ruin any hopes of me being a guest expert on Dr. Phil.

*Do I feel like I am both their friend and their lover—or just their lover?

*Do my opinions matter—or do I spend more time listening to theirs? Conversely, am I having to do all the talking in an effort to make this happen?

*His back hair reminds you of the English sheepdog you had as a child.

*Am I being given time for the relationship to develop—or am I being pressured to commit?

*For Valentine’s Day he got you the Biggest Loser wii.

*Do I hear affirming words from them, but see something different, or does what I hear them say match how they treat me?

*You don’t want to hurt his feelings. How do you tell him the negligee is beautiful—just not on him?

*In conflict situations, do they consistently win/get their way? Do you?

*She loves to talk. . . and talk. . . and talk. . . and, dear God, if she doesn’t button it I could end up on the 10:00 news.

*Do you find yourself minimizing their behavior? e.g. “(s)he doesn’t drink that much.” “At least he doesn’t hit me.”

*Am I frequently being asked where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, why did it take so long?

*You wanted a more physical relationship, so she took steroids and is now a defensive lineman for the Packers.

*Does (s)he respect your sexual boundaries/values, or do you find yourself being pressured to go beyond them?

*Typically, a woman’s word-count is much more than a man’s each day. He’s up to 117 words—not for the day; for his lifetime.

*Do I truly like or love this person, or is it the security of the relationship that attracts me?

* Does touch usually serve as a prelude to sex, or are you giving and receiving touch without expectation of further sexual activity?

*He’s successful, financially solid, and draws six figures. Usually with crayons.


Anonymous said...

Green Acres is the place to be.
Farm livin is the life for me
Land spreadin out so far and wide.
Keep Manhattan, Just give me that countryside.

New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smellin hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me park avenue

....The chores
....The stores
....Fresh air
....Times Square

you are my wife.
Goodbye, city life.
Green acres we are there.

Steve said...

Green Acres????? Please!