Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I'm Back at the Helm, I Hope
I'm back. More accurately, I nearly went down with the Titanic.
I have wrestled with chronic, underlying depression for decades. Typically, I am aware of it, feel it, but it doesn't significantly impair functioning. I will have seasons wherein it comes to the surface and I feel its tentacles begin to wrap around my throat, but for various reasons it has released its grip and the dry, barren season tapers off. Not this time.
About a year and a half ago I could sense slippage. I began to neglect responsibility. I procrastinated more than my usual. Motivation began to take a hit. My energy slowly dissipated. This has been steadily eroding my spirit, my psyche and, to be honest, and has continued to do so. To clarify and to assuage any of your concerns, I am not suicidal. I do not contemplate killing myself, I do not formulate plans, blah blah blah. So knock off any unwarranted alarm. I just don't give a crap about nearly anything. Formerly, the task or activities that I wanted to do I now have to make myself do, including this post.
However, I am somewhat excited and maybe hopeful in that after months of writer's drought I am actually sitting at my keyboard and communicating with you. I hope to continue posting with some consistency. I say "hope to" because while still in the throes of this prolonged dark night of the soul I am hesitant to make any absolute commitments, fearing that if I fail that will further depress me.
I apologize for the delay, for dropping out of sight without providing any of you followers any explanation.
There's no doubt about it--I was drowning, feeling like I was going down with the ship. I'm not suggesting that now I'm sipping pina coladas and basking in the sun. Not close. But I do feel some minimal stirring of energy and motivation. A level of nudging that previously was not there. We'll see.
As the song goes, "I'm in the dance band on the Titanic, singing "Nearer, My God, To Thee.""