Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm Back at the Helm, I Hope




I'm back.  More accurately, I nearly went down with the Titanic.  

I have wrestled with chronic, underlying depression for decades.  Typically, I am aware of it, feel it, but it doesn't significantly impair functioning.  I will have seasons wherein it comes to the surface and I feel its tentacles begin to wrap around my throat, but for various reasons it has released its grip and the dry, barren season tapers off.  Not this time.  

About a year and a half ago I could sense slippage.  I began to neglect responsibility.  I procrastinated more than my usual.  Motivation began to take a hit.  My energy slowly dissipated.  This has been steadily eroding my spirit, my psyche and, to be honest, and has continued to do so.  To clarify and to assuage any of your concerns, I am not suicidal.  I do not contemplate killing myself, I do not formulate plans, blah blah blah.  So knock off any unwarranted alarm.  I just don't give a crap about nearly anything.  Formerly, the task or activities that I wanted to do I now have to make myself do, including this post.

However, I am somewhat excited and maybe hopeful in that after months of writer's drought I am actually sitting at my keyboard and communicating with you.   I hope to continue posting with some consistency. I say "hope to" because while still in the throes of this prolonged dark night of the soul I am hesitant to make any absolute commitments, fearing that if I fail that will further depress me.  

I apologize for the delay, for dropping out of sight without providing any of you followers any explanation.  

There's no doubt about it--I was drowning, feeling like I was going down with the ship.  I'm not suggesting that now I'm sipping pina coladas and basking in the sun.  Not close.  But I do feel some minimal stirring of energy and motivation.  A level of nudging that  previously was not there.  We'll see.

As the song goes, "I'm in the dance band on the Titanic, singing "Nearer, My God, To Thee.""




8 comments:

Summer said...

Love you Steve. Our whole family does :)

Bongo said...

Wow it has been awhile..but seems it needed to be.. This is a very authentic post...I understand the strangle hold of Depression..it's an evil and very sneaky disease. Here's hopin and praying you get stronger everyday..baby steps ....As always..XOXOXOXO

Steve said...

Summer, I love you guys and appreciate your friendship more than you know.
B., damn the depression. I refuse to give in to it--on a good day. :>) And yes, as always

Tim said...

Steve, At the risk of sounding patronizing, I am going to say, you have been out of it before so you know it's possible. I see you as someone who gives away so much that you deplete yourself and start to flounder. Ask me how I know about that. I have same hx myself and understand. I wish you hope and optimism. Tim

Martha J. M. Orlando said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Steve.
So great to see you back here!
Blessings and hang in there!

Steve said...

Tim, thanks for your warm wishes and Martha for your prayers. Encouragement is good for the soul.

Annie said...

This stranger missed you too. Glad you're back.

Steve said...

Annie, it's terrifying to be missing, tremendous to be missed. Thanks.