A Roxanne Volkert Moment: The Power of Our Words

It came out of the blue—a memory which had remained hidden for over 50 years.  It was a Roxanne Volkert moment.

Some background.  I was raised in a doctrinally rigid, emotionally frigid home and, as a child, felt very insecure and starving for affirmation.  As you can imagine, this led to some very poor choices on my part in my adult years, but I’ve learned and grown. God and I are still working on that insatiable need for affirmation.

 Recently, this memory surfaced and I was transported back in time to when I was a child. Maybe 6 years old.  I’m in church, standing by my mother and Roxanne Volkert approaches.  She was a beautiful woman, a wife and mother,  and through these 6 year old eyes she was a blond angel sent by God. She leans over and smiling at me says to my mother, “He’s such a beautiful boy.”  End of memory. End of any contact with Roxanne Volkert.  I have not seen her in 50 years.  This much I know—her words of affirmation were soaked up by my soul and psyche. Those few words she spoke about me were so powerful that 50 years later I am cherishing them and basking in their warmth.

This is a twofold testimony.  It attests to the powerful abilities of the mind to recall and store God-given experiences.  More importantly, it suggests that our words and actions have much more impact and influence than we realize.  I’m sure Roxanne Volkert was not on a mission to be charitable and reaching out to the down-trodden little Steve’s of the world.  She was simply expressing an affirmation.  She didn’t give it a second thought and surely would have no memory of that brief conversation. But, for me, those words constituted validation and blessing and have stuck with me for decades.

I encourage you to create memories.  You and I have no idea of the power of our everyday words, our acts of seemingly ordinary kindness.  Do not allow words to remain internalized--speak them.  If you get one of those “nudgings” act upon it.  You have no idea the blessing, the affirmation you may be imparting. 

I encourage you to create Roxanne Volkert moments in the lives of others.  You see, those moments last a lifetime. I know that to be true.

The Universal Need to be Noticed

I’ve never received The Friendliest Human Being of The Year Award nor do I foresee it happening in this life or posthumously.  I try to be friendly and warm and often it is with substantial effort.  As a therapist I relate to and engage people all day and typically on an intense level.  By end of day “warm and friendly” has disintegrated into “warped and fiendish.”  I just want to be left alone; don’t bother me.  If my cell phone rings I moan, hoping the call isn’t urgent, important, or someone needing something.  If it is, this will require effort, energy, and empathy-- little of which I have after 6:00 p.m. 

All of this is preface.  I am involved in a local church and really enjoy these people.  On a Sunday morning I make it a point to greet my friends and inquire as to how they’re doing.  If I don’t know someone I may say hi and generically ask how they are doing.  I’m sincere in doing so, but it’s not like I am gushing friendliness and back-slapping everyone in sight.  So I was quite surprised by an email a friend at church sent me today.  She said,  Just wanted to say thanks for always acknowledging                .    It makes me feel good as her friend when others take the initiative to introduce themselves and then take the few seconds to say hi again each week! I know it means a lot to her too as the whole church thing is really new to her still and she doesn't know very many people. I just wanted you to know I noticed and I appreciate it!!

I appreciate her gesture of kindness, but am also saddened by it.  She is glad that I acknowledge her friend.  Are we becoming so uncivil and autonomous that mere acknowledgment of one’s existence and presence is deeply appreciated?  Can it be that a mere “Hi. . . how are you?. . . It’s good to see you. . . “ may be the only warm contact a person may receive during the week? 

Maybe we under-estimate the value of our words.  The healing influence of an affirming acknowledgment.  The significance of noticing someone.  We may never know (unless someone like my friend goes out of her way to tell us) the impact of our presence.  When I greet someone I usually will either shake their hand or gently and briefly place my hand on their shoulder.  We all need to know we are not untouchable, for untouchable often translates into unlovable.  One of the reasons I do so is because decades ago someone—without even knowing—deeply affirmed me in the most nonchalant way.

I was in my 20's and had gone through a devastating divorce that shattered my world.  I felt absolutely rejected and not only unloved but unlovable.  It was summertime in San Diego and I was sitting on the beach, my head down as I was buried in my sadness.  Several young women were chatting as they walked by and one of them saw me.  She saw into me.  She paused, spoke several words of greeting and reaching down she mussed up my hair, smiled and kept on walking.  I had never seen her before; never saw her again.  All I know is that in that 3-5 second encounter she imparted something to me that moved my heart and soothed my soul.  Her few words and her brief touch served to remind me that I still mattered--that as cast aside as I felt, I was still touchable.  That memory has stuck with me all these years. 

People need us to look them in the eye.  People need us to acknowledge them.  People need a loving touch.  Those simple gestures may have a lifelong impact.  You may never know.

I can tell you this; I know.